[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome to another episode, people of the Kinky Christian podcast.
I see you staring at me. I'm your host, Pat, and with me is.
Who are you?
Who are you?
[00:00:20] Speaker B: Your kitten who's gonna claw you.
[00:00:36] Speaker A: Tell him your name, kitten.
Don't roll your eyes.
The heck was that?
[00:00:47] Speaker B: That's your job.
[00:00:48] Speaker A: Who are you?
[00:00:50] Speaker B: I'm Melissa. Very annoyed kitten.
[00:00:55] Speaker A: Good thing you don't have a little bell there. You'd be whacking it around.
[00:01:03] Speaker B: Anyway, good thing you don't believe in punishment, or I'd be in some serious judo right now.
[00:01:09] Speaker A: You would.
You'd be standing in a cold shower for 5 minutes on rude, right? So be happy I'm not a punishment kind of master, and I can't spank you because you enjoy it.
[00:01:28] Speaker B: Anyway, what are we talking about today?
[00:01:31] Speaker A: What are we talking about today? We are going to talk about.
I don't even know how you call it, but it's the emotional and mental aspect and impact of relationships.
[00:01:54] Speaker B: That'S easy.
[00:01:56] Speaker A: You're just like, oh, yeah, okay.
[00:01:59] Speaker B: It's easy.
[00:02:00] Speaker A: Is it?
[00:02:01] Speaker B: Yeah, they're all a hot mess. Yeah, we're all crazy, and they're just messy.
Done.
[00:02:13] Speaker A: All right, until next time, peace out, girl scout.
[00:02:19] Speaker B: I mean, it's true.
[00:02:22] Speaker A: Well, it is true. I would hope it goes a little deeper than that.
No.
[00:02:32] Speaker B: Not in my current mental state. No.
[00:02:41] Speaker A: I want to make sure that you understand when I say the emotional and mental impact, I'm not talking about the love.
Oh, I'm in love, and I feel love. I'm talking about the.
For instance, he didn't say he loved me when he left for work this morning, so he must be mad at me.
So all day long I'm thinking, why is he mad at me? What did I do?
[00:03:14] Speaker B: What didn't I do?
[00:03:15] Speaker A: What didn't I do? Is he cheating on me? Oh, he must be cheating on me.
He's on someone else.
[00:03:22] Speaker B: I'm not good enough.
[00:03:24] Speaker A: I'm not good enough.
I should just end it now.
[00:03:30] Speaker B: Start packing.
[00:03:31] Speaker A: Start packing. I'm out. So that's what I'm talking about.
There's levels of emotion and mental impact, I guess, that being in a relationship, any relationship, any relationship, but an intimate relationship, such as marriage or power exchange or something that people don't normally like to talk about. And I think, for me, part of the sad part about this whole thing is men specifically tend to not talk about it because.
Man up.
Don't be a girly man. Don't be a woods. Why are you crying?
There's no crying.
[00:04:29] Speaker B: In baseball, no emotions allowed.
[00:04:33] Speaker A: So there is a lot that happens in relationships, and as people, we need to feel all the emotions we feel.
There's a reason we have them.
To not acknowledge them, to not give them the proper attention, in my view, is doing a huge disservice, not only to yourself and your emotional and mental health, but it's really doing a huge disservice to the relationship that you're in.
[00:05:13] Speaker B: Because you're not being authentic with yourself.
[00:05:18] Speaker A: And you're not sharing that authenticity with your partner.
[00:05:24] Speaker B: Right.
[00:05:26] Speaker A: When you're in an intimate relationship, you've got to, information and communication is the key, right?
[00:05:39] Speaker B: Correct.
[00:05:40] Speaker A: If I'm not sharing with you my emotional stability or my mental stability, or where my head's at in something, or if you hurt me, or if I'm not sharing that with you, how are you then supposed to make the proper decisions in how to approach the relationship?
[00:06:04] Speaker B: I can't.
If I don't know that there's something going on with you, some little something that I do, hey, I'm scratching my knee, and that triggers you in some way if you don't verbalize that, hey, when you do such and such, it makes me feel. It makes me feel this way, then I can't make an informed decision on whether or not I'm going to continue to do such and such or change that behavior.
[00:06:43] Speaker A: So with.
Especially with.
Ow.
[00:06:52] Speaker B: My bracelet.
[00:06:54] Speaker A: I was going to say, I did not touch you. The dragons did not bite you?
[00:06:57] Speaker B: No.
[00:06:58] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:06:58] Speaker B: I did it myself.
[00:07:00] Speaker A: Okay, well, better you than me.
[00:07:03] Speaker B: The tiger eye bit me.
[00:07:06] Speaker A: So now, again, you made me forget where I was going.
[00:07:10] Speaker B: Kitten, listen.
[00:07:12] Speaker A: No, you listen.
[00:07:13] Speaker B: You know what? That's what happens when you get old.
[00:07:15] Speaker A: Yeah, that, too.
There are also aspects with your emotional and mental health that may not have to do with the relationship itself, but with the person, but that's going to affect the relationship. So, for instance, let's say you're with someone and they had something that happened to them that was very traumatic as a child or young adult or whatever, something in their past that was very traumatic, and it affected them mentally and emotionally.
They bring that with them into the relationship.
You bring 100% of who you are into the relationship, at least you should.
And you need to understand as their partner that even though what they're experiencing is in your relationship with you, it's not of your relationship. So if they're, let's say someone was molested as a child, so they have some issues that are, like intimacy issues.
That's not because of the relationship they're in with their partner, it's because of something that happened. However, that relationship with their partner, you have to know how to deal with that.
[00:09:08] Speaker B: Correct.
[00:09:09] Speaker A: Even though it's not of the making of the relationship and their partner had nothing to do with it, you need to understand and learn to help them deal with that aspect or work through it. Work through it or help them find the proper help to work through it.
So there are things that the relationship itself can cause emotionally.
There are things that you bring with you into a relationship that can cause some strife, but you still have to deal with it.
[00:09:48] Speaker B: Hopefully you deal with it. And don't brush it off like it's this whole suck it up, buttercup.
[00:10:01] Speaker A: Throw some dirt on it. You'll be okay.
[00:10:03] Speaker B: Yeah.
Not acknowledging the emotion. You need to give the emotion its space that it needs to process.
[00:10:16] Speaker A: Correct.
[00:10:17] Speaker B: You process, you acknowledge it. Well, you acknowledge it, you process it, you move on. Decide how you're going to move forward with it, and then you move on.
I'm not saying you're never going to feel or go through that same thing again, but for your partner to basically blow you off that you're experiencing whatever emotion that is happening. First off, no.
Rude.
What kind of partner are you if you are not supporting your partner regardless? I mean, it could be something little like they get a hangnail and they're, like, tripping out because they had a bad day and it was just the straw and the camel's back.
Don't just blow them off. They need you in that moment, in whatever capacity that looks like. They don't need you chastising them for being a whining nail.
[00:11:18] Speaker A: Stop whining.
[00:11:19] Speaker B: Exactly. Because that's just exasperating the situation.
[00:11:23] Speaker A: Exactly.
Agree 100%.
[00:11:26] Speaker B: I got a little animated there.
[00:11:29] Speaker A: Did you?
[00:11:29] Speaker B: A little bit.
[00:11:30] Speaker A: Little bit, yeah.
[00:11:31] Speaker B: I think I got triggered.
[00:11:34] Speaker A: You think?
[00:11:36] Speaker B: It's been a day.
It's been a day, master.
[00:11:39] Speaker A: I know.
[00:11:42] Speaker B: Hopefully I don't have a hangnail or you're in trouble.
[00:11:45] Speaker A: Suck it up, buttercup.
Now, when we say deal with it and move on, that doesn't mean once you've acknowledged and dealt with it, you're done. Moving on just means don't sit and wallow in it. Wallow in it and just give it its proper attention because there are some things, some traumas and some mental and emotional aspects that you may never get over.
[00:12:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:25] Speaker A: The point of moving on is deciding how you're going to deal with it as it continues.
And there's really only two ways to deal with it. You can wallow and stay stuck, stay stuck and just allow, be miserable, allow it to control you and run your life, or you can decide to do something about it and by doing something about it.
This is the overarching thing. I'm not saying this is specific, but there's really only one thing you can do, and that is to not allow it to control you, but for you to take action with it.
[00:13:09] Speaker B: Correct.
[00:13:10] Speaker A: So you're not going to stop your feelings and your emotions from being there.
That's not what you should do.
Let them be there.
Let your feelings be your feelings. Let your emotions be your emotions.
But understand that how you respond to these feelings and emotions is what's going to perpetuate your life in what direction you choose. Yeah, if that makes sense.
[00:13:43] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:13:43] Speaker A: So if you want it's bad to sit there and go, I wish I wasn't feeling this way and God, why am I feeling this way? And I don't want to feel this way. Don't worry about that.
Let it feel that way and say, I'm going to do something now about this.
Yes, I still feel horrible, but I'm going to do my best to smile. I'm going to do my best to now think positive thoughts and set this aside. I gave it its attention for now. If it comes back later, I'll give it the attention it needs then. But for now, it got all it needs now. It's just becoming this brainworm that's eating away and it doesn't need any more of my attention right now. So let's set that aside and choose to make more positive decisions in your actions.
[00:14:42] Speaker B: Most of the time it is used as when it's a negative thing. However, it doesn't always have to be a negative thing. It can be a positive thing when you give it to God.
[00:14:55] Speaker A: I always give it to God.
[00:14:59] Speaker B: You give it to God. This is where I'm at.
As my therapist has explained to me, you're angry, you're happy, you're whatever it is that you're feeling and you need to go outside and you need to just scream it to God because you just need to scream it and not scare everybody in the house.
Then do that.
[00:15:22] Speaker A: Do it. Yeah.
By the title, you know, we're kinky christians.
That being said, God is the center of our lives.
In everything we do, God is the center.
We would not be doing this kinky lifestyle if we had not researched it to make sure that it wasn't against God.
[00:15:53] Speaker B: There is a lot of emotion in that too.
[00:15:56] Speaker A: There was emotion. There was emotion and there was a lot of mental struggle from the years of programming by institutions on what is and is not God honoring.
[00:16:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:15] Speaker A: And we had to get past the institutions and go to the source, which for christians the source is the Bible.
And I'm going to be doing a lot of research here. In fact, I say I am doing.
[00:16:31] Speaker B: You've already got a big old stack.
[00:16:33] Speaker A: I've got a big old stack. So we are going to be doing a series sometime here soon. As soon as I finish. There's still a lot of work to do. So it ain't going to be like in the next few episodes. We're going to be doing a series where we just talk about what the Bible says about sex and relationships because it's really interesting what the Bible actually says compared to what a lot of churches and christians teach and talk about and don't talk about and try to say is the correct way to do things.
There's a lot of man made ideas and assumptions, assumptions and proclamations of what sex is and is not biblically. It's completely different. So it's been an eye opener for me so far, and I hope when we get to this that it's an eye opener for you too, because God and sex really do kind of go hand in hand.
[00:17:46] Speaker B: We're squirreling.
[00:17:47] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Anyway, that's coming up sometime, so hopefully you'll stay tuned. Tell your friends about us, hit the like, subscribe, do all the cool things that you're supposed to do when you find a good podcast and YouTube channel, do all that for us. Help us spread the word.
But anyway, back to what we were talking about.
So the emotional and mental part of relationships to me is one of the hardest things can be one of the hardest things to deal with because if you're not prepared for what you're getting into, it can be rough and it can be frustrating.
[00:18:37] Speaker B: Because a lot of us have a lot of baggage.
[00:18:41] Speaker A: I think we all have baggage.
[00:18:42] Speaker B: So I'm saying a lot of us have a lot of baggage. And if the person who has said baggage doesn't know how to deal with it, and now you're bringing in another person who has their own baggage, who doesn't know how to deal with their baggage, let alone someone else, let alone somebody else's baggage, you got a mess on your hands and then you throw in there, you don't know how to communicate.
[00:19:11] Speaker A: Yeah, and I was just going to say something about that. I was going to let you finish your thought, but yeah, you don't know.
[00:19:16] Speaker B: How to communicate, so you're just broken. And then you end up wanting a.
[00:19:22] Speaker A: Divorce or getting a divorce or getting.
[00:19:24] Speaker B: A divorce because you didn't communicate properly. Properly, period.
[00:19:30] Speaker A: Or there's always communication.
Some of it's verbal, some of it's not so much true.
[00:19:41] Speaker B: Dang it.
That brain gone. Your turn.
[00:19:45] Speaker A: My turn. Take me in. Okay.
But the key to it is communication.
[00:19:53] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:19:56] Speaker A: I am not a therapist. I am married to one who's going to be a therapist. So it's kind of cool that I get to follow her through from the beginning. It's not like she was a therapist when I met her. So she's going through schooling right now and I get to learn as we go. I mean, we were marriage counselors in our church for years, so we had training there. And we understand a lot of things, but understanding mental and emotional impact of things. So, for instance, let's go bring it back to the beginning. He didn't say he loved me when he left.
By the time he gets home from work, she's been stewing all day long.
Can't figure out why he doesn't understand it. Because he went to work, he had his nay and she's not. And then finally, after pulling teeth, he finally gets out of her, what's going on? And she's in tears, bawling, packing her bags, getting ready to leave. Because he didn't say I love you. And he's like, but, honey, I did. I said it twice, but you didn't answer me.
She just didn't hear it. Or he thought he said it. He was thinking, I thought I said it, but I had three huge meetings, so that was on my mind. And I could have swore I said I love you.
[00:21:34] Speaker B: Yeah, perspective.
[00:21:37] Speaker A: Perspective. Or you know what? You're right. I just forgot. I am so sorry, honey.
[00:21:45] Speaker B: Now let's go unpack your bag.
[00:21:47] Speaker A: Put your clothes back in. Put the knife down.
You know, so there's so much to emotions.
If you just assume positive intent when you go into something, assume that, oh, he didn't say I love it. Maybe he did. Maybe I'm just going to wait till he gets home. And then when he gets home, I'm going to say, hey, you didn't say I love you this morning. Is everything okay?
And that's going to help now, does that help with the emotional through the day for her? Maybe not, but I would hope it would. She's not going to run rings around herself trying to figure out what's going on. She's like, I'll just deal with it.
[00:22:34] Speaker B: When he gets home and, no, not me.
[00:22:37] Speaker A: Well, I know not you.
About you. I'll be on the phone on my way to work. You didn't say I love you.
[00:22:43] Speaker B: You okay?
[00:22:44] Speaker A: You mad at me?
[00:22:45] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:22:46] Speaker A: You never say you okay. You always say, are you mad at me?
Are you angry?
[00:22:50] Speaker B: Yeah. Are you angry?
[00:22:51] Speaker A: You angry? Yeah, but at least you ask.
[00:22:55] Speaker B: Yeah, because you're right. I got enough of my own crap I don't want to stew on. Additional crap that I don't need to be stewing on.
[00:23:01] Speaker A: Exactly.
And there's a lot of emotional ties. So let's say you get emotionally involved in a relationship.
One person gets more emotionally involved than another one.
So person a is head over heels in love with person B.
Person B is like, yeah, I like you, and I like what we got going.
Person A is moving closer and closer, and person B is just kind of like, yeah, no, this is cool. So person a keeps moving. Next, you know, person B is like, you know what? This ain't cool anymore, but over here is cool. So, hey, I'm out.
Person B just goes about their lives. Why? Person A is now shattered.
[00:23:49] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:23:52] Speaker A: So it's good to make sure, again, we go back to the communication that when you are in a relationship, make sure that your emotions and your mental health and all that, everything that's going on with you is in tune with what's going on with the person you're in the relationship with.
[00:24:17] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:24:20] Speaker A: You may not be on the same page all the time. Well, at all as far as that part of it goes. But knowing that your feelings are not being reciprocated is going to help.
[00:24:36] Speaker B: When they walk away.
[00:24:37] Speaker A: Well, and in understanding, hey, I need to maybe back off on my emotion because you can't control your emotions.
[00:24:45] Speaker B: Right.
[00:24:46] Speaker A: But then you can start to understand, okay, my expectations should not be, I'm over here now, even though I feel all this, I'm going to keep my expectations over here.
That way, in case something happens.
Am I going to like it? No. Is it going to hurt? Like hell? Yes.
Am I prepared for it? No. Did I have an idea? It may come? Yes.
I'm not taken by surprise. I'm not shocked as much.
[00:25:19] Speaker B: Yeah, the pain is still there.
[00:25:21] Speaker A: Pain is still there, and you'll still.
[00:25:23] Speaker B: Have to grieve the relationship.
[00:25:26] Speaker A: But you're not blindsided.
[00:25:33] Speaker B: Because that sucks.
[00:25:35] Speaker A: Yeah.
Because the emotions and the mental health go hand in hand.
Where your emotions go, your mental health goes.
So the best thing you can do is give your emotions and your mental health, all the space it needs.
Acknowledge what you feel, acknowledge what you think is going on. But once you take care of that, don't dwell on it.
If you're a Christian, give it to God. Give everything to God, because he is the infinite creator and he's the one who made us and he's got a plan for us.
If you're not a Christian, then maybe you're spiritual.
[00:26:29] Speaker B: So then you put it out there.
[00:26:31] Speaker A: In the universe, put it to whoever you believe in. But if you just don't believe in anything, whatever it is, you give it room to breathe.
[00:26:40] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:26:42] Speaker A: Don't try to hide it. Don't try to lock it away.
But you don't want to let it take control of you.
Because once you do that, you sit in this pit, and when you sit in that pit, you go nowhere but down because you usually just keep digging it.
You have to, at some point, start digging out.
So relationships are hard.
They can be hard on you emotionally. They can be hard on you mentally, physically, physically, too. Yeah, it can be.
[00:27:30] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:27:31] Speaker A: But if you have anything you want to talk about, reach out to us. We're always available.
[email protected] you can reach out to us on Facebook. Kinkychristian podcast we got a Facebook page, or you can leave comments below.
We'll be more than willing to talk to you and help you through what we can understanding. We are not licensed professionals, so we're not going to sit here and try to tell you how to live your life. And we will talk through things with you.
We're not experts on. We don't claim to be experts on anything.
What we can say is we have been through a lot.
A lot. So we do have experiences that we can share.
We have teachings that we have learned that we can try to help teach, but understand that your emotions need room to breathe. They don't need to control your life.
Your mental health needs acknowledged. It needs to be, I don't want to say dealt with because that sounds too mean, but it needs to be brought out, talked about, cared about, cared for and given the proper attention.
[00:29:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:29:15] Speaker A: And like I said, some things, if you just do that, if you had a past trauma and you bring it out and you talk about it, it doesn't affect you anymore once you can get through it. And I've seen them, I'm not saying all of them. I'm saying some of them. Yeah, there are some that once you deal with it, you're good. Yeah, there are some that once you deal with you're good, though, things may trigger it and you still feel that little wince, but it doesn't take you out like it used to.
And then there are some that no matter what you do, that trauma is going to be with you forever. But you learn coping mechanisms.
If something triggers something really bad, you learn, okay, I'm going to do what I can to not put myself in that situation.
If I am in that situation, I'm going to do my best to get out of that situation.
If I can't, I'm going to learn a coping mechanism that will help me to get through that situation. Tools, tools, tools.
So, anyway, we're here to help. We just wanted to touch on relationships and kind of the mental and the emotional aspect, and we didn't even come close to touching on all of it. That would take us hours and hours and hours.
And we squirreled a lot, so hopefully you got something out of this episode.
We never know.
So I think we're good.
Till next time. Take care of yourself. Take care of each other.
[00:30:55] Speaker B: God bless.
